No Filter

Today is April 8th. We’ve been in the hospital 6 of the 8 days so far this month. People ask how we like our new home and we don’t really know how to answer. Our new home is the hospital I think. We are ready for a break. Thankfully, if all goes well, we will get to go home tomorrow only to come back Sunday for a shot. Then we will have two full weeks of no chemo. Hallelujah!  But, the isolation will begin in a few days as this is the round that makes his counts drop. We are praying that it’s not like last time where he was sick the entire two weeks. Last time he ended up sick and in the hospital or cancer center about a week of the two week break.

This is week 6 and he has handled the AP so much better than he did on week 1. Yesterday he felt great!  He ate, drank, laughed, made 5 different craft projects, did some school work, and tormented the nurses. His favorite nurse, Cathy, was here and he loved every minute of it. Days like that I am in awe of how much he thrives here. There are parts of his personality that I only see on his good days at the hospital. Many times when he opens his mouth, I brace myself for what will come out. He doesn’t skip a beat and loves getting to know the nurses and what makes them tick (or annoys them). Last week, as he is asked a million times in a day, his nurse asked, “Can I get you anything?”  His response horrified me!  He said, “Yeah, a new personality…for you!”  😳 Oh. My. Gosh. Seriously. I did not raise a disrespectful child!!!  Luckily, these nurses have great personalities and senses of humor. When she asked why, he said, “Because you don’t like the Chiefs.” This nurse, who he likes a lot but won’t admit when she’s around, loves the Broncos. So, he purposely wears Chiefs shirts and hats when she’s his nurse. Sometimes his vocabulary needs a little tweaking. 😬

Today, however, was not one of those days. Today I’ve spent a good amount of time holding the bucket and wiping vomit from his mouth. Today he’s been in bed more than not. Days like today are hard. He tells me I should never have signed papers to let them poison him and he begs me not to make him take his medicine. Most of it is intravenous, but today alone he took 23 pills. I so wish I could swallow them for him. And, many times I question whether I should have signed those papers. But then I close my eyes and picture him not here with us and I take a deep breath and tell him for the hundredth time that it was our only choice and how much we love him. I know God has us here for a reason. But, right now I’m not happy about it.

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5 thoughts on “No Filter

  1. Amy, thanks for the update! Love hearing about the first part/day! I’m so sorry about today. I can’t imagine taking all those meds (no matter how they get in) especially being 9. I think I was in my late teens before I could get a pill down:) He is a brave little man. I’m glad he feels free to vent his frustrations. We all think this cancer stuff stink (polite way of saying it) & he certainly has every right to proclaim it loud! Keep up the fight Barnard family! Still praying! Gina

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  2. A little bit of attitude in this situation is healthy, in my humble opinion. It shows his fight and his spirit. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers on a daily basis. God is walking with you and sometimes carrying you.

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  3. Dear Amy , Mason, Ali, and Matt
    You all are in my prayer for each reason you are facing. Amy you are one strong Mamma and Matt and Ali you have to be strong to hold things together on the home front. Mason I know you are one tough guy and you will beat this cancers butt as you would put it in your new vocabulary .lol we know you are all in Gods hands and Jesus loves you all. All our love and prayers Teeny and Dude here is a big hug

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  4. Amy, I love your spirit of truth and transparency. Not a day goes by that you and your family are not in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for Mason to feel better soon and for you all to get to experience a full two week break without sickness. Love to you!

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  5. Amy, Matt, Ali, & Mason,
    You all are one strong family & draw strength from each other because of love- yours & God’s. Few people can know what you are all feeling, but know many thoughts & prayers are with you. Mason-you made me proud when I saw “Joe” in his Husker gear!

    Love & prayers,
    Michelle

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